Ronelle Diora- Month 37

Yesterday evening we were in the car driving. We were on the way to pick up some Canes per your request and then to the park.

“Roni, you are my princess” I said as I turned around and looked at you at the red light.
“I’m not your princess, I’m grandma Valya’s princess” you said.
“No, Roni, you are my princess because I was the one pregnant with you, I was the one you kicked when you were inside my belly, so therefore you are my princess”
“My brown teddy bear is my princess, he kicked my belly when I was pregnant with him and then the doctor cut him out, gave him to me, I wrapped him in the blanket and put him to sleep!” you said.

Quite frankly your statement caught me off guard. There I was desperately trying to prove you that you are in fact, my princess and you proceed to tell me how you were pregnant with your teddy bear. There are numerous moments like that in our daily life that leave me staring blankly at the walls. It’s because you are growing up faster than I can imagine or fathom.

There is this other incident that happened today when you were out with your grandpa. Last night my parents called me to ask if you could spend the night. “of coarse!” was my reply thinking they haven’t had much time to spend with you lately. Little did they know! They first granddaughter has grown a bit since the last time they saw you and turned into a demanding, controlling 3 year old. Your grandpa took you to the store. Fist time in a looong time. Then 30 minutes later he called your grandma to ask for advice or to ask to come get you. You turned crazy on him thinking you will get your way no matter what and that you can test the limits with him. All of the sudden you wanted him to buy you everything! You know mama, you don’t act this way with mama. OR daddy. But with grandma or grandpa it’s all green light.

So grandma told him to buy you whatever you wanted to get you to be quiet. But see, there was a problem. You stomped your feet, kicked, spat, cried, screamed till you got a sore throat and you wanted everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He couldn’t buy everything. I say this was a traumatic experience for him because he had never had a situation like this before. None of his kids were so strong willed to the point of breaking. He isn’t the spanking one either. Even if he was, it wouldn’t have worked on you anyway.

When grandma called and told me about this and how you kept saying you are bad and you will smack Ingrid when you got home, how you and Jayden fought to no relief, how you gave them hell from the time you woke to the time they finally managed to put you down for a nap, I laughed inside.

I laughed not because of what they had to deal with but because they now know what’s it’s like to raise a strong willed child. Now, they know what I’m talking about when I say I’m extremely exhausted, please, someone take this child! Now, they will not make me feel bad for wanting, desperately needing a break from you. Now, they will not say ” you are young, only have 2 kids, how can you be tired all time?” Yes, I only have 2 kids. Some people have 20 kids and are ok. I don’t know how they are alive. Having you has made me rethink more children in the future. God knew what you were like so He gave me a saint Ingrid compared to you. He just knew I wouldn’t be able to handle more of Roni.

If this is a test, I’m probably failing it. I do get you to listen to me by applying different approaches. Like always explaining feelings to you. Meaning going over every action you take and telling you how it makes someone feel. E.V.E.R.Y A.C.T.I.O.N you take. You are so energetic and you take a ton of actions. I don’t always have the time to explain why you should do a certain something in the depth of feelings. Or not always do I have the energy to do so. Sometimes I just want to yell “STOP” and expect you to do so without further explaining. Well make it most days.

I am tired when I come home from work. I need to cook dinner. Clean, and do grocery shopping. Then there is laundry. And then there are pictures waiting to be edited, blogs to be written, you and Ingrid waiting to be bathed. And then there is you. Yes, you as in one child. You equal to 5 kids. I’m not joking. The workload I have to do with you is exhausting. I always have to pause what I’m doing at least 30 times before the task is finished to pay attention to you, to tell you to stop, to give you directions. You don’t do well with no supervision. You get in trouble even if it’s 5 minutes you have to yourself. You get Ingrid in trouble. You wreck the house. You turn your room upside down. You destroy things on your way. You are unpredictable. I never know what to expect from you. Not only that, you go against me. WITH EVERYTHING. You like going against authority. It’s exhausting.

While I laughed at your grandpa today, I am not laughing now, when I’m about to go pick you up from their house. I get all serious. I brace myself against your behavior. I tell myself to be more patient. I keep telling myself that you are my beloved princess no matter bad behavior. No matter what. I love you more than I can express. But honey, dealing with you is exhausting beyond measure. You laugh, you cry, you whack someone all within the span of 5 minutes. It’s a roller coaster with you.

More than anything I want you to be happy in the home you live in. I want you to have a close relationship with me. I want you to be able to tell my anything. I want you to know I love you unconditionally. I want you to know, I will always be there for you. I will always support you. I promise you, I will be there every step of the way in your life. I want you to be comfortable in your own skin. I want you to be you. Even if it means extra work for me. I am ready for it, I am used to it. I just wanted to document all this for you. I cannot imagine not having you in my life. I am thankful to God for sending me this precious strong willed girl who has the ability to teach me lessons no college has to offer.

You are mommy’s joy despite all the difficulties we have to overcome. I hope and pray that I have what it takes to raise the woman I want you to be. It’s scary and intimidating but I am all for it! Happy 37th month!